For example: Your spouse hasn’t taken out the trash, though you’ve asked a dozen times. “Below every single conflict, there’s an unmet emotional need,” says Dziedzic. Because of this, he advises couples to ask questions or make statements that show their partner they’re trying to understand them, such as “Tell me more,” “Can you unpack that?” and “I don’t get it yet, but please keep going.” Doing so, he says, helps the listener develop empathy and empowers the speaker to feel heard. “It’s so rare to feel truly heard and understood,” says Dziedzic, who has also worked with hundreds of couples throughout his executive tenure at the popular wedding resource The Knot. “They’re actually looking forward to it, because they know this is a time where they’re going to have their partner’s undivided attention,” she says. When asked if anticipating these conversations can trigger anxiety, Jackson says this technique actually produces the opposite effect. Instead of randomly bringing up difficulties that need to be improved, they find it beneficial to invest about an hour on a weekly or monthly basis to work out areas of contention. Jackson adds that some couples consistently schedule when they will address relationship concerns. This will give you an opportunity to gather your thoughts and plan what you want to say with sobriety. If your exchanges become too heated, create a timetable for when you think you’ll be ready to approach the topic again. If you’re tempted to escalate to this danger zone, call a “timeout” by respectfully communicating you need a moment to calm down and process what’s been said or simply walk-not storm-away.įind time in your schedule for constructive conversations. Harley implores couples not to make exaggerated, destructive judgements (looking at you, temper tantrums) just because one person isn’t getting what they want. Too often this is where things can get ugly, and a disagreement graduates to a fight. The key is managing your response if your request isn’t immediately validated or met, says Harley. “Any time there’s a need in your life, there’s a request that can meet that need,” says Dziedzic. and Canada and also co-hosts a daily marriage radio show with his wife “Marriage Builders Radio,”-motivates the pairs he counsels to phrase a desire this way: “How would you feel about helping me with.?” Harley-who speaks at marriage seminars throughout the U.S. discourages couples from telling each other what to do. Avoid making demands-or engaging in disrespect and lashing out in anger.Īs highlighted in his book Love Busters, author, marriage counselor, and psychologist Dr. Setting time boundaries helps you focus on listening, because you know when your turn to speak is coming, and you don’t have to interrupt to make a point during the other person’s seemingly everlasting tirade. To avoid this, Chapman suggests that at the top of a conversation, both parties should agree on a time limit for each person to share their thoughts and feelings. Once you get the gist of where they’re coming from, he advises saying something like: “I think I understand what you’re saying, what you’re feeling, and it makes a lot of sense.” Chapman-who just released a new book this month with co-author Shannon Warden, The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts-adds, “That one sentence is powerful, because you’re no longer an enemy, you’re now a friend.”Īn action that can add dry wood to the flame of a fight is cutting each other off.
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